it’s startling how much a displaced moment can reveal. immature ideas forming unaware shapes. like how the tattoo on my wrist, sparkling a closed door, can just erase itself from a permanent position. and i’m back and it’s 2006 and i knew everything/more than i know now.
where did i go? it’s almost like that moment you purposefully watch yourself in a mirror. paying attention only to the sharp angles, but catching a glimpse of the past settled in. an apologetic ultimatum. the simple brown of my eyes. the missed dead-lines. a half-eaten apple beside me. my nails in a shape i didn’t create. foraging relief, somewhere, to settle in for a nap at 4 pm. the sun still aware, balancing your skin into the whispered shapes of the best dreams. but then you have to wake. cause your mother needs something. the car-wreckage for everyone to see.
that’s how looking in the mirror is. now.
and it’s how the past always wins. arching over my future like a cute, strange boy, pretending to tickle you in your best friend’s bed, when all you want to do is sleep. a lighthearted lie. a deepening drought.
my sacrifice of quieting myself. to start the confusion again.
i told my little sister yesterday that my major goal in life (now) is to find a space where i exist as the only thing i’ve ever known. known. know/n. know. know.
if only i could just learn to see me.