running late this morning, i was rushed. to master the steps on a pebbled path — machines guarded my before, frightening my need to know the past, the backsides of today…so i just hurried along / like a 5 o’clock chain to a subway station in New York. parsing my steps to make efficient plays towards a filled-up top of a tumbling time into somewhere i didn’t want to go.
this calculated weight forced me to see that i’ve never known. ever, ever known.
that even though i’m my mother’s daughter…the sprinkling offspring of the brightest star…the reason for form to take its shape…the purpose for my father to remain…
i’ve still found myself, begging for light. fallen beneath the throngs of unknowns. harrowing holes of dark and away. wanting you to be sick of me. wanting you to follow the hate. wanting you to swallow my seeds to make you whole. pulling my eyes out of my head. stealing the vastness of my belief’s idealized control.
crumbling the bread i eat.
poisoning my water well.
blinking me into an existence, (a)voided.
timid goodbyes. forgetting the days. burying me grey with all the mistakes i’ve ever made. crushing me clean.
the softest soot that lifts with the sounds of a forgotten wind. blowing out the dust of yesterday. into a future not known or even considered. i was pushed aside this morning. into a field, un-bothered.
but i finally get it. i understand now that i was always meant to be there. my head buried in books. mistaking another for my father’s hand because i refused to look up. the largest sweaters, swallowing me whole. the far-back-behind. the quietest repeats.
i belong there now. i guess i always have.
so just leave me to be.