The fortitude of my emotions strangles the process. How do I back down to then prevail?
The division between the internal and the external can be the line. Mining all my worry into dust. The sifting of sorrow — breaking thoughts, shaken clean.
So maybe that time is now, to belly-up the divide.
I’m holding the guilt of my mother — I can curve that into the light.
And the weight of my lover…I have to give up sight and find our freedom in trust.
I’m screaming out the silence of my feel — a multi-directional break. How it takes so much more to control.
So I gather myself at the window, perched high and at noon. The brightest star, traveling through. Blinding me still.
“Just take me with you,” I pray. Hoping to scare myself free.
So now, I document.
I believe I’m going to London to attend Goldsmiths University to study sonic arts. I say “I believe” because I have a few more hoops to jump through to make sure I’m able to go (financing/visa). But I’ve been accepted and will be there for a year. It’s a switch/a jump/the difference between light and dark/near and far/zero and one.
But I struggle with it. I struggle with it because it’s a risk. Which pushes me to go even more. And I’m not sure, but I might not be going alone, which would double the risk in so many directions. Either way, it’s a definitive mark, which makes me feel more and more that I have to go.