the thing that permeates the most when spending time alone is this temporality of really deep moments, i’ve recognized. it’s almost like time goes by very quickly but yet you have these outlines of them that pull like an undercurrent, forcing you to wait for the next moment to happen. so it’s all you recognize as the days move on — how you felt/are feeling. time has its place but it’s just a place holder. it’s the top of the wave and all the things you think about when you’re alone are at the bottom. tugging and pulling you with and against. your fears and desires are with the moon. your days are with the shores. so there’s this contrast of you — a person who does and moves and walks and listens. but then there’s this other you who sinks into her thoughts and is quiet.
my dreams have been more consistent, lately. i’ve been wandering around a lot in huge spaces, seeking and curious. but i see now that everything i’ve had in the back of my mind is awake. pounding through the dark while i try to sleep. or fogging up my windows on the bus when i try to see. my breath warm and deep while listening to jazz. i’m always wandering around but unable to step outside of myself.
i’m busy, but not entirely distracted. so i have nothing else to really think about but my own thoughts.
and going two, three days without talking to anyone or saying anything has had an effect on me. i can’t tell if it’s good or bad at this point, but i’m aware.
sad, but aware.