the more one focuses in to their own reasons, the more they identify less with other things. we don’t live in a place/time where boundaries have to define — but for some reason so many people feel that we need them. and i guess, for the greater good, for those who refuse to know themselves, maybe boundaries are needed to establish some sort of ground to walk on.
but for those understanding that introspection is a pathway to more, boundaries just muddy it all up. that’s why i’m obsessed with learning. i’ve always wanted to just take it all in then throw it away.
have had a few eventful weeks lately — holidays are always busy and time takers, but between seeing the sights and eating, i’ve also been working on my final research paper for my sound agendas module at school. trying to cram readings from Wolfgang Ernst, Pierre Schaeffer, Pauline Oliveros, Cage and more into four-six weeks is just wrong. But to align myself to my ridiculous, yet resourceful resolution for 2018 (and one of the most popular ad slogans of all time) , sometimes you have to just do it.
i’ve been getting more and more into Katie Gately these days. was pretty inspired by her while at the Ableton Loop conference and attended every show/panel she was featured in. she just released a selection of ambient songs on her soundcloud and i can’t stop listening to them. especially when i’m writing. i like ambient/drone/techno while i study and write, but her tracks…they’re just also inspiring. like when i listen to be-bop jazz and it pulls you in to this isolated mental space where things become clear and then forces you to respond with something intelligent to say or do. she’s great. i’m excited to know she’ll be coming out with a new album this year.
ok…i’ve reached my time limit with “free” writing…time to get back to work.
i can’t get over the difference
between our mornings — the gut-reacting leaps into our own days;
my losing of time,
finding the corner created
by your nape and the bed
your immediate rise
the heat from you, fading
killing the kindness our bodies kept
while sharing a night.
i leave only to return,
wishing to the blue wells
in your eyes
the questions your head confirms
pushing towards a morning rise
of answering to the only god
you’ll only allow yourself
to ever know.
the thing that permeates the most when spending time alone is this temporality of really deep moments, i’ve recognized. it’s almost like time goes by very quickly but yet you have these outlines of them that pull like an undercurrent, forcing you to wait for the next moment to happen. so it’s all you recognize as the days move on — how you felt/are feeling. time has its place but it’s just a place holder. it’s the top of the wave and all the things you think about when you’re alone are at the bottom. tugging and pulling you with and against. your fears and desires are with the moon. your days are with the shores. so there’s this contrast of you — a person who does and moves and walks and listens. but then there’s this other you who sinks into her thoughts and is quiet.
my dreams have been more consistent, lately. i’ve been wandering around a lot in huge spaces, seeking and curious. but i see now that everything i’ve had in the back of my mind is awake. pounding through the dark while i try to sleep. or fogging up my windows on the bus when i try to see. my breath warm and deep while listening to jazz. i’m always wandering around but unable to step outside of myself.
i’m busy, but not entirely distracted. so i have nothing else to really think about but my own thoughts.
and going two, three days without talking to anyone or saying anything has had an effect on me. i can’t tell if it’s good or bad at this point, but i’m aware.
sad, but aware.
The fortitude of my emotions strangles the process. How do I back down to then prevail?
The division between the internal and the external can be the line. Mining all my worry into dust. The sifting of sorrow — breaking thoughts, shaken clean.
So maybe that time is now, to belly-up the divide.
I’m holding the guilt of my mother — I can curve that into the light.
And the weight of my lover…I have to give up sight and find our freedom in trust.
I’m screaming out the silence of my feel — a multi-directional break. How it takes so much more to control.
So I gather myself at the window, perched high and at noon. The brightest star, traveling through. Blinding me still.
“Just take me with you,” I pray. Hoping to scare myself free.
So now, I document.
I believe I’m going to London to attend Goldsmiths University to study sonic arts. I say “I believe” because I have a few more hoops to jump through to make sure I’m able to go (financing/visa). But I’ve been accepted and will be there for a year. It’s a switch/a jump/the difference between light and dark/near and far/zero and one.
But I struggle with it. I struggle with it because it’s a risk. Which pushes me to go even more. And I’m not sure, but I might not be going alone, which would double the risk in so many directions. Either way, it’s a definitive mark, which makes me feel more and more that I have to go.
[you gave me / the rarest bleeding / a hearty bleed / to save me
but what if it’s not real / how do you know what you’re feeling / if you never knew real / if you were always pretending
now we’re here / a place that’s on high / the clouds here / are dark with your eyes
so what do you feel? / so how do you know what you’re feeling / if you never knew real / if you were always pretending
how do you do things? / how do you see dreams? / how do you do things? / how do you see dreams? / did you fool me? / did you fool me? / did you fool me? / did you fool me? / are you fooling yourself? / are you fooling yourself? / are you fooling? / are you fooling?]
i wrote this four years ago during a run of gut intuition, inviting hours of songs being built at hearty speeds — forthright, becoming, enveloped, giving. and it’s been a while since i’ve been there, but the resemblance of my thoughts then is uncanny to my thoughts today.
there is a trust we have within ourselves that cracks the door open to worlds we can only imagine. but our imaginations are the only entities that push us forward into today, so even though they’re indeterminate, they still shape our lives with remnants of our own desires.
but accepting the doubt is just as important as accepting the good. because more than anything, we completely accept ourselves.
the problem with the line / dividing me up / between the measurements i take / and the compounded screams my body’s chambers / make / is the simple fact that it makes me see / the atrocious fear your restless heart denies
my mind getting lost in the sanctity / of your eyes / blurring the space between / where you stand / and where i need to be
my pride in a pool on the floor / i wait for you / to catch up / to our start / waves of your echoes / rattling you / behind
faultless rains / washing us clean / yet you take / the first leave
out / to secondhand streams / a blinded sip / from a cup / mistaken
loss / the formidable space / reevaluating the stacks
that i’m just another fleeting moment, in line with the past.
pushing myself with the weight of tomorrow, blindly
reeling a cast.
just needing forever.